Sunday 20 May 2012

I'll Admit It. I've Been Neglecting My Subversive Friends.

It's not 'cause I want to. I still haven't quit my 'day job,' as you might have guessed. And my 'night job,' A.K.A. my life, has been making it hard to greet my friends often enough for my liking. My analyst thinks it's because I recently left the home I lived in for 10 years. It was very mutual between my partner and me. However, for some reason I had to be the one to leave. I loved my old place, despite the stürm und drang of my married life. Our place had vaulted ceilings, and a vanity in the primary bedroom. It overlooked a gorge and a green space. It reminded me of Armidale, where we lived for three years, because there were gum trees everywhere, and at sunset the backlit eucalyptus trees looked just like they do in Australia. Our place also housed my daughter, whom I love, and of whom I'm extremely proud, and although she's been acting like a teenager since she was about 8, at nearly 17 she's coming around to the idea that maybe parents aren't so useless, after all!
     Who knows why it's taken almost 8 months to succumb to the implications of my new life. My analyst thinks that it's following the trajectory of grief--a point on which I'm in complete agreement. So, lately, I've spent some Saturdays ... reclining ... some Sundays, too. And I've felt reluctant to venture onto the analogue of an off-off-off-off-Broadway show that is the Subversive Archaeologist. That's mostly because I've felt cowed by the perception that my efforts--while enjoyed and appreciated by you--will prolly never get to the bullies, the ones who set the terms, and who own the sites.
     But that pessimism isn't the reason I've succumbed to numbness and avoidance. My character is such that I can't abide humiliation. And my inability to 'crack' the encircling edifice that is 'the palaeoanthropological community' is tantamount (for me) to humiliation of the highest order. I understand that many, many people are able to 'soldier on' in the face of oblivion. Yet, despite my fervent wish to get through to the mainstream, my sense of futility always gets me in the end.
     You've probably noticed that even my tone has changed of late. I've become conciliatory--anything but combative. I need to get my mojo back!
     So, know that I'm thinking of you all the time, and that I want nothing more in this world than to be heard and understood. You help me to feel that I'm succeeding. So, please don't take my periodic absences as any indication of my lack of interest in this project, much less an indication that I have altogether lost heart. It's not true. But, some times I need to recharge and to reassess. Please bear with me. This 'journey' is one I've wanted to take for so long that I couldn't give up on it. And with you there to hear and assimilate what I'm doing, we might just get where I want to go!
     Thanks for being here. You're pure gold to me.

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  1. I'm impressed by the frequency with which you post! And since some days are too busy to justify reading a blog I like, on days when I don't find a blog in my inbox and I need a break, I go back to some of the older blogs I didn't read! :-)

  2. Thanks, sbestel. I'm buoyed by your thoughts, as I am whenever you drop in.

  3. Good evening. I like your blog post. It all seems fantastic


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